she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I learned nothing from that class except drinking and chemistry go together great.
the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
It was one of those you-have-no-other-way-home-and-we-already-made-out-so-I-guess-youre-coming-home-with-me-if-you-promise-to-leave-early kind of deals.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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