Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I only drink at bars with bathrooms big enough to have sex in.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
Randomize
