My girlfriend figured out who you are.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
