Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test
wow, a mother in the making
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Well it's a moot point because I did have a sink & I peed in it.
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
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