I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I just had a legitimate orgy. Wearing glowsticks.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
Randomize
