Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
I just needed to know whether or not to wear panties to work tomorrow.
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
