i jhust puked up my retainher.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
When the sex is so good, you need three fans and have to chug a gallon of water after
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