Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
Is it possible to be promiscuous but in a classy way?
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Congratulations! You can now legally do that thing you said you never do again!
THANKS! I'M SO EXCITED TO NOT DO THE THING
OMG YOU GO OUT AND NOT DO THAT THING, GIRL! I SUPPORT YOU 100%!!!
i was making a gravity bong in my room and my dad walked in. he helped me finish. i love being home for the holidays.
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