I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
