When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
We invented this drinking game where you pick and random video and drink for every misspelled word in the youtube comments. It did not end well.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
You just wrote a check for drugs...pretty sure you don't have cash for beer..
trying to figure out what happened last night by looking around the apartment.
naked man under the piano. THE PLOT THICKENS.
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
