im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
