My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!
you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
Randomize
