smell my finger.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Dave got tied up again. I'm done breaking into girls houses to cut him loose. At least before noon.
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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