Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
Randomize
