literally had 100 drinks last night.
Say my name once during sex just to fuck with her. Like when it gets rough.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
Hahah fuuuck, bag pipers played around me while I threw up. Literally
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
You may now shotgun with the bride
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
