I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
She who has the vag holds all the power. He will learn one way or the other.
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
He’s basically a sexual superhero. A mild mannered marketing intern by day, but a very horny 22 year old with pornstar stamina at nights!
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