Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
