Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
At what point should i just give my brother a break and stop sleeping with his friends?
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
At one point, the bartender wrote out the words "please kill me" on some receipt paper and slid it across the bar to me.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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