Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Are ropes allowed in during conjugals?
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
You came in, yelled 'i am from the future' then puked all over the floor
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I love when Facebook suggests people I may know. Well, yeah, I know him. He's my drug dealer. Pretty sure I want to keep that relationship strictly professional.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
