her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
I only want to screw him when I'm drunk. Problem is I try to be drunk as often as possible
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
I feel like my liver should be on crutches right now
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Randomize
