so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
I had to help him get his zipper down in front of his dad so he could pee in the bushes. That Is what moonshine does to you.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I was playing 'If You Had To Fuck One or Die' with the old composite pictures with a guy in the bathroom line. They were all pretty ugly so I go "You can tell this is a lower tier frat"......turns out the guy was a brother
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