My room smells like vodka and shame
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
you try finding a go kart track at 4 AM on Thanksgiving
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
