Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
Randomize
