so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
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