I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
So are we goin out tonight?
Dude, we woke up in your car in some parking lot last night...
And that was fun, wasn't it?
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
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