Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
Its okay that he doesn't remember you, he only remembers girls by their boobs and I think you were wearing a jacket
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
