So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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