I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
TACOBELL COOL RANCH TACOS MARCH 7TH. I think realistically that will be more like valentines day for us. Bc nothing says romance like tacobell.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
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