I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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