if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
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