i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
My vagina would be awesome. I would be the most popular girl in the village.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
