I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
I call him Seabiscuit because he's my trusty steed
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
Randomize
