I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
'twas the night before moms weekend and all were blacked out. Not a coug was sober not even farm house. I was down to fuck but you were not in sight, so I bid pullmania a sweet goodnight.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Randomize
