My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
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