OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
im still going. this is my new reality. also. dont take glowsticks in the bath. they explode. actually. do. it. its beautiful.
i dont think thats healthy man...
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
