Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
What happened to chicks over dicks?
That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
We are planning a drunk snapchat treasure hunt for tomorrow, and the treasure is his penis, this is a game I'm not willing to loose.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
Randomize
