He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
Can I also remind you that we insisted on touching his mustache?
Well of course I remember it took up like 20 minutes of my night.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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