Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
