If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
