she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Is it penis luge time yet?
And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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