dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
It's now 8:05 on a Wednesday night and I'm already going home with my bra in my purse.
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Randomize
