I want you more than these girls want KFC
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
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