i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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