hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I just found a bag of teeth...
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
