No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
Saw a guy in a chef outfit covered in mustard talking jiberish into his phone running across the skywalk.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
What, I can't laugh at my sister being driven crazy by Facebook randomly assigning chat significance to the guy she lost her virginity to?
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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