The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
There's a show on bravo about fat people dancing. FAT PEOPLE. DANCING.
This is god's gift to the unemployed.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
50% drunk capacity currently
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Randomize
