cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
