I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
