Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I feel like I am becoming dumber sitting here in class than I would be sitting on the couch smoking weed.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
