why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
Randomize
