Look at my ENTIRE past
Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought
Might as well have a blog about it at this point
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
She was rubbing her face on the carpet, she was high.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
